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4dp 5dt

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This means 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I still haven’t tested and it’s so hard but I just can’t go through what I did last time. So I’m waiting. I don’t know how long I’ll wait but for now I’m waiting. Each day is a day closer to my beta blood test.

Yesterday I unpacked all my stuff from my suitcase and cleaned a bit. I also ordered my groceries and watched some crap tv. (90 day Fiancé the other way) 😂 I’m addicted. I still have pregnancy tests left over from my last cycle and I “hid” them from myself in the bathroom closet. Obviously this was dumb because I’m not a toddler and I know they are there… Ricky said I should give them to him and he would hide them but I already know that would be way WAY to risky. I don’t want to test but I like knowing where they are just in case.

I will say Wednesday night between 11 pm and 6 am I got up to pee ***6*** times. I mean I usually get up and pee at night but definitely not 6 times. Then when I was getting the kids ready to leave for school yesterday I swear I smelled dog poo in the dining room. Like the smell was so strong I made everyone look for it before we could leave. We never found any poo… Also I can smell the lemon grass in my oil diffuser still and I haven’t had it on for two days. Ricky says he can’t smell it.

That’s the only things I have really noticed so far. Still a bit of cramping here or there but nothing big. I’m trying to not over analyze everything but I also don’t want to not make mention of things. The hard part is all the meds I’m on make my body think it’s pregnant already so it’s really so hard to know anything. I didn’t pee a ton last night so maybe the peeing was a fluke?

This morning I got to watch my nephew Travis for a few hours so that helped keep me busy and occupied. Then he left and my kids decided to go with my mom also. So now the house is so quiet with Ricky down stairs working. I already made dinner also. It’s only 12:30 😂. I made white chicken chili. I have been seeing it all over Facebook and it looked delicious. I guess I will watch more tv and maybe nap. That always helps pass the time and I love napping.

Puff got a bath and a conditioning treatment last night to keep me busy. She obviously wasn’t amused 😆.
Sweet baby snuggles to keep me pre occupied!
He got to nap before me 😂

Two days after transfer.

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Well not quite. At 2:00 ish it will be 2 days since that’s actually about the time they put the baby in me 😂. I had some mild cramping after and that’s about it. It’s so hard for me because obviously you try to feel every little thing going on in your body hoping it’s a sign of things working and baby growing. I never really get any symptoms of pregnancy anyway. I guess that’s why I enjoy being pregnant so much lol. Once I’m for sure pregnant I do usually break out a bit more then normal and I get tired the first trimester but that’s about it.

Our plane ride home last night was crappy to say the least. They made me check a bag even though I knew it would fit. Plus I had specifically asked the people at the desk where you check bags and the man assured me it would be fine. Then as I’m getting on the plane the woman tells me I have to check it!!! Ugggg I was so frustrated. So by the time we got on there was no more open rows so Ricky and I had to sit with strangers. Plus the lady next to me decided the open middle seat was her’s. Not to mention her bag clearly didn’t fit under her seat.

I know it was dumb to get so frustrated over such dumb things but my hormones are crazy and so therefore I’m crazy too! 😂 I’m glad to be home though in my own bed. I slept so great last night. Our dog and cat missed us a lot. 💓 They slept with us last night.

I’m still terrified to test this time and feel the way I did last time. But I’m also terrified of waiting and pretending it’s all going to be perfect and then getting blindsided by the dr calling. I do still have some tests left over from last time in case I decide I want to test. I think I’m going to just enjoy the unknown for awhile longer this time though.

Thanks as always for all the prayers and encouragement. Hopefully this time everything works out perfectly and I get to share much happier news with everyone.

This lady and all her stuff… 🙄
Then she shoved it even closer to me.

Transfer is completed ✅

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I’m happy to report that the transfer is completed. Everything seemed to go smoothly. So I’m considering myself pregnant at this point 😂. At least until the blood test tells me otherwise.

On my way there I prayed a lot. I always get anxious before transfers. It’s so many emotions you feel and all the estrogen I’m on doesn’t help. We were listening to the radio and a song came on and it seemed pretty fitting. I love that when I’m worried or stressed God can still tell me things are going to be ok.

I got to see the picture of the embryo before they put him in but I couldn’t take a picture or anything. It looked very similar to the last embryo. I could tell it was already hatching. That’s a good thing!

In 10 days I will have my blood beta draw! After the transfer Ricky and I decided to go eat at an Italian restaurant the pasta was SO good! I will still be on all my meds so butt shots, suppository’s and estrogen keep on going.

This was the song we heard right before we went in. 🥰

So much water before transfer!
We also saw this funny truck on the way there. 😂
My last drinks were mojito’s they were so good!

Tomorrow is transfer day!

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I had my last blood draw here at the clinic on Friday. They called to say everything was great and transfer was all set for Monday at 1:30! So I have to show up at 1:00 for the appointment. I’m so excited for this transfer and feeling so hopeful. It’s been great spending time with J and K and baby Leaf! I sure hope and pray he is a big brother soon! My butt shots are still zero fun. Actually I feel like my butt hurts more this time. Just tender and sore. Probably because I didn’t take much of a break.

I got to have some beach time so that’s nice too! I love the ocean so much. I also finally bought my new Louis Vuitton bag I have been wanting for the last 3 years!!! It’s just perfect. 😍 I also got my nails done before I came for some extra good luck feelings. Thanks Cari.

I almost forgot we also took a kayak trip while we were here!!! It was super fun. You will all be surprised to know that Ricky was actually the one who planned this idea! I was so excited. I was quite worried we would flip over but actually we did great. Like a good husband he did all the paddling while I enjoyed the view.

I’ll post tomorrow after transfer is done. Let’s all pray for this little embryo boy. Hopefully he really finds my uterus extra plush and comfortable for the next 9ish months. Here are some pictures to enjoy.

Breakfast views 😍
They have decided to make the beach bigger while we are here.
Just laying out for some vitamin sea! 😆
We decided to take a kayaking trip!
It was really pretty
My new baby!!! 😆 🥰 I’m so in love.
Ricky was so excited to show Leaf how to play with his new hot wheels race track.

Change of plans.

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Well last week we had some changes thrown at us. They decided that my transfer would be moved from the 16th to the 19th! So a bit of a bummer but all should be fine. Today I had another ultrasound and blood work appointment. My lining looks soooo good 15 now! I feel much better about this thick lining.

I’m back on the butt shots starting tomorrow. I’m definitely not excited about those. I think Ricky is though. He already told me I better be on my best behavior and not make him mad or he will really make them hurt. (Obviously he’s kidding) sometimes they hurt worse then others and I do complain that he does it on purpose.

We took the kids to the pumpkin patch yesterday and it was a great day but boy was it hot! Now I guess I better pack so we can fly out on Thursday. I am excited to eat at the restaurant Tommy Bahamas by our hotel. They have delicious chicken jerk tacos. Hopefully the weather is a bit better this time and we can get a couple beach days in also.

Today is also baby Leafs 2nd birthday!!! I can’t believe it’s been two years since I pushed him out butt first 😂. I know I say this all the time, but I honestly feel so lucky and blessed to have met such wonderful families who trust me so much. I love that I get to enjoy being pregnant and then get to give the baby back to its mom and dad to love and raise. Plus going home and sleeping for 8 hours after giving birth is like the best thing ever! I have been praying for this sweet baby boy already. I pray he really digs in and wants to stick around.

Ultrasound to check my lining.

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Yesterday we did an ultrasound and blood work to check my uterine lining and blood work for my estrogen levels. Good news was my ultrasound went great and my lining looks to be even better then it did last time!!! I’m at a 10 with still a little over a week to go! So they said we can keep everything the same now. Meaning my meds. I’m still taking Lupron each night and estrogen pills 3 times a day. I’m waiting for them to call me today to let me know when I will be starting all my other meds. Pills and butt shots. 😔☹️😢 I already feel bad for my butt. 😂

We will be flying out on the 15th in the morning and as far as I know transfer still looks good for Friday the 16th. I’ve been praying for this next transfer of this sweet baby boy! I’m excited for this next try. I’m honestly not sure if I’m going to test this time after transfer or not. This was obviously the first time I have ever not been able to share excitement and good news. So I’m honestly scared to test again and not see good news and feeling as bad as I did last time. I know I will feel bad even if I don’t test and get bad news. I’m just not sure what I will do.

Thanks as always to everyone for all the love and support. I’ll be sure to update more this coming week.

See that triple stripe! 🥰 I want to be nice and fluffy and cozy for baby boy!!!
Here’s where some of my crazy comes from. 😂

New transfer date.

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Well good news everyone I am back on meds and cycling for the next transfer. Woohoo 🙌 fun hormones 😂. So they decided we will transfer on October 16th or October 19th. Just depends on my lab work and ultrasounds. So I will be doing labs and ultrasounds this week and ill be flying out on the 15th to Florida. I guess the perk is hopefully I’ll get to enjoy the beach a bit more! I’m praying this little one really wants to stick around. So far I don’t feel like I’m too moody but I do get hot 🥵. Thanks again for all the support everyone! I’ll post more as I know more. 🥰

Re starting meds.

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Well here is my update. After stopping the meds my hormones thankfully balanced back out and I felt so much better. I just had to wait for my period. I was told and worried it was going to be so bad with my lining being so thick. Thankfully it wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. I’m back on the birth control pills and will be starting the Lupron shots again on Monday. They gave me a 10 day window for for the next transfer. Being October 14th-23rd! They are going to work on getting this date narrowed down a bit more since I can’t take 10 days off work to be in Florida 😂. We do have to go back to Florida but there are definitely worse places to have to go. Maybe this next time there will be a bit more sun so we can enjoy the beach. I joked with Ricky that we should go back to Disney again for a day or two! He was a firm no. I just love the happiest place on earth. 🥰 I’m excited for another try and praying this one all works out.

I enjoyed this delicious treat box from my friends. I totally cried when it was delivered.
I’ve been enjoying drinking 😝
My heating pillow I usually use for my sore butt worked great for my belly cramps.

Beta day

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Well today was beta day and as I suspected it was negative. I don’t have much more to share then that. I’m still super sad and emotional. I was told to stop all meds and wait for a period. I did my fair share of crying today too. My hormones are insane right now. My estrogen is two times the normal amount! 😳 So no wonder I’m extra crazy. Thanks everyone for the hugs, texts, visits, calls etc. it’s been nice to hear words of encouragement and love during all this. I’ll update when I know more and have a worth while update. Tonight I’m drinking all the wine because I decided I deserve it! A twisty straw makes it classy. Also my kids are so sweet and kailynn made me a card because she knew I had a bad/sad day. How sweet is she. ❤️❤️❤️

It’s not always rainbows and sunshine.

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This week has been hard but I wanted to be upfront and honest in my blog. I’ve always wanted to share the good and bad. This definitely feels bad. I hope through this others can better understand. I hope as women we can learn to lean on each other and build each other up. Share struggles and sadness. This is real life and people don’t want to talk about the hard things.

I still feel blessed to be able to try and help others. I have been able to help another woman/mom and that’s something I would want someone to do for me if the roles were reversed.

These have been my thoughts and emotions this week. Please know the actual blood beta test is tomorrow morning for the dr to make the official call. I’ll still be praying for a miracle but also want to be prepared either way.

I’m so hormonal and just crushed. I knew there was a chance for things to not work. I have seen it happen to plenty of others. I did everything just like I was supposed to. I took all my meds like I was told. I didn’t miss anything. All my ultrasound’s and blood work were fine. Why would the first three transfers work but not this one. The embryo looked good.

I swear I was getting faint positives like before and then it all stopped. I just like to sleep because then I don’t have to think about why things didn’t work. At this point I’m honestly just so ready for Monday to be here and over so the drs office can call me and tell me what to do next. Unless a miracle happens and we have a positive blood beta number.

I hate taking the butt shot every night. My butt has huge egg size lumps and is bruised. It’s frustrating to know taking these shots are supposed to help my body think it’s pregnant to help the baby. Obviously it didn’t work. It’s hard for me to understand this. I loved this little girl, I have prayed for this little girl.

I know God has a reason but I don’t understand or like it. Miss Jami my pastor’s wife came over and we prayed for this baby more. We prayed for peace and understanding during this difficult time for me and for the parents. I feel bad for Ricky because he’s tried to be here for me but no one really gets it. I just keep telling him I’m just sad I just don’t want to do anything. I’m easily irritated and angry. I take it out on him.

I cry in the shower and then I get out and cry more. I have prayed on my hands and knees and begged God to change things. I look at all the pregnancy tests I’ve taken and pray something will change and be there even when it hasn’t been. I believe this little life will be in heaven if she is not on earth. She will never have to feel sadness or feel hurt or see bad things. She is lucky in that way I suppose. As for me I’m still crushed and devastated for her parents it’s not fair.

It’s been so hard to be so open during all of this. I feel like I have let her parents down. I feel like my body failed and let us all down. Pregnancy is what my body is supposed to be good at. This is how I help others. Why did it not work this time. That’s whats so hard not really knowing why.

I truly hope this helps others not feel alone. I hope this will show that I put so much of myself into this process. My physical and emotional self is 100% in this. I also hope this shows people that think or have said things like oh you must get paid a lot or what easy money for you etc that it’s so much more then this. This is NOT easy money and this is hard, so hard in so many ways. Please keep praying for us all. I’m not sure what to expect next as I’ve obviously never had this part happen before. I will update as we know more and what happens from here. Thank you so much to my friends and family that have been reaching out and texting and calling and praying. It means so much to me. I’m also so thankful for my surrogate friends these girls are my safe place and I’m so thankful to have friends that truly understand all of what I’m thinking and feeling. Some of these women I have never even met in real life but I’m so glad to know them.