It’s not always rainbows and sunshine.

This week has been hard but I wanted to be upfront and honest in my blog. I’ve always wanted to share the good and bad. This definitely feels bad. I hope through this others can better understand. I hope as women we can learn to lean on each other and build each other up. Share struggles and sadness. This is real life and people don’t want to talk about the hard things.

I still feel blessed to be able to try and help others. I have been able to help another woman/mom and that’s something I would want someone to do for me if the roles were reversed.

These have been my thoughts and emotions this week. Please know the actual blood beta test is tomorrow morning for the dr to make the official call. I’ll still be praying for a miracle but also want to be prepared either way.

I’m so hormonal and just crushed. I knew there was a chance for things to not work. I have seen it happen to plenty of others. I did everything just like I was supposed to. I took all my meds like I was told. I didn’t miss anything. All my ultrasound’s and blood work were fine. Why would the first three transfers work but not this one. The embryo looked good.

I swear I was getting faint positives like before and then it all stopped. I just like to sleep because then I don’t have to think about why things didn’t work. At this point I’m honestly just so ready for Monday to be here and over so the drs office can call me and tell me what to do next. Unless a miracle happens and we have a positive blood beta number.

I hate taking the butt shot every night. My butt has huge egg size lumps and is bruised. It’s frustrating to know taking these shots are supposed to help my body think it’s pregnant to help the baby. Obviously it didn’t work. It’s hard for me to understand this. I loved this little girl, I have prayed for this little girl.

I know God has a reason but I don’t understand or like it. Miss Jami my pastor’s wife came over and we prayed for this baby more. We prayed for peace and understanding during this difficult time for me and for the parents. I feel bad for Ricky because he’s tried to be here for me but no one really gets it. I just keep telling him I’m just sad I just don’t want to do anything. I’m easily irritated and angry. I take it out on him.

I cry in the shower and then I get out and cry more. I have prayed on my hands and knees and begged God to change things. I look at all the pregnancy tests I’ve taken and pray something will change and be there even when it hasn’t been. I believe this little life will be in heaven if she is not on earth. She will never have to feel sadness or feel hurt or see bad things. She is lucky in that way I suppose. As for me I’m still crushed and devastated for her parents it’s not fair.

It’s been so hard to be so open during all of this. I feel like I have let her parents down. I feel like my body failed and let us all down. Pregnancy is what my body is supposed to be good at. This is how I help others. Why did it not work this time. That’s whats so hard not really knowing why.

I truly hope this helps others not feel alone. I hope this will show that I put so much of myself into this process. My physical and emotional self is 100% in this. I also hope this shows people that think or have said things like oh you must get paid a lot or what easy money for you etc that it’s so much more then this. This is NOT easy money and this is hard, so hard in so many ways. Please keep praying for us all. I’m not sure what to expect next as I’ve obviously never had this part happen before. I will update as we know more and what happens from here. Thank you so much to my friends and family that have been reaching out and texting and calling and praying. It means so much to me. I’m also so thankful for my surrogate friends these girls are my safe place and I’m so thankful to have friends that truly understand all of what I’m thinking and feeling. Some of these women I have never even met in real life but I’m so glad to know them.

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