Yesterday was a difficult day for me. As you all know I try to be very open and honest when I share about all of this. It’s definitely not always rainbows and sunshine. I have been so incredibly blessed to always have the transfers work and to get positive pregnancy tests. My first few tests were looking so very good and promising. Then as you know I started feeling like they were not so great. Yesterday all my tests were sad and disappointing. I didn’t see good lines or shadows at all really. It’s been so confusing because they are just not consistent.

If I never had any lines it would suck but I would know it just didn’t seem to work. This time I get some lines and then some with nothing. So I worry if it could be what’s considered a chemical where the baby will attach and start to grow but then it just stops. I’m not sure honestly what this one will be. That’s difficult for me. It’s so emotional to feel such excitement and then such sadness all in a 24 hour time frame. Obviously I am praying for this little girl that she can stay digging in deep and that she sticks around to make a big entrance into the world in 9ish months.

J has been so supportive during all this and I feel terrible that she’s talking me off the ledge all day long when I should be there for her! This is such a unique experience to go through with another woman. I obviously just don’t want to let them down. I know I have done everything I can. I have taken the meds and prepared my body to do the job. I had also gotten some first response early response tests so we tried them last night. Thankfully I could see a tiny shadow on it so that was a very nice glimmer of hope to my sad day.

Ricky doesn’t always understand why I feel so much pressure. He tries to be supportive but he also thinks I’m crazy. (I am) He checked the test last night as well and he said he could also see the shadow so I knew I wasn’t going crazy. We are still early and my official blood test is not until the 31st. I feel like God is constantly trying to teach me patience and I obviously have ZERO.

I also would like to add in no way is J putting pressure on me. She never has. This is all me and in my own head. She is always there to listen and encourage me. I’ve been so blessed to have two moms that have been there to help me as much as I try to help them! I wish I had better words to express the emotions we all feel when we go through this. It’s so hard to explain something that most people will never experience. It’s like an ultimate trust and bond with another woman, where only you know what each other are feeling. ❤️

I’ll also add our funny story because laughter makes me feel better. So when I took my First response test yesterday out of no where J says make sure it’s not expired. I was like well no way I just bought them. I unwrapped the box myself! So just to make her feel better I went to check the date. Wouldn’t you know that sucker expired in JUNE!!!! I was so mad. Who would think that they expire and that I would be the unlucky one to buy them! 😒 I just couldn’t believe she said that and then bam they were expired.

I guess they still worked a little though because I could see the shadows on them. I will try my best to keep you guys in the loop. Just please know that if I don’t post often or right away I may just need a day with my emotions. It’s hard and stressful but I want to be open and transparent with you all. The good and the bad. I’m so thankful for all my work girls who are there to support me and encourage me when I’m disappointed. They are also great at looking at my pee sticks with me 😂. I hope you all know how much it means to me. 😍

Also PS guys my Butt hurts so bad. I’m bruised and super lumpy. Rick was so grossed out the other night he said it felt like I had an egg in my butt 😆. I’ve been laying on my heated neck pillow to help it feel better each night after my shot.