Today was beta day. This week was going great I had a wonderful birthday. My tests we’re looking good I thought. I even had a positive test on the digital. The blood work came back as not pregnant. This means I had a chemical pregnancy. An early miscarriage. It’s the worst feeling. I’m being very raw and honest here. I’m super angry. I’m angry at God. I trusted his peace and comfort. The tests said yes. They all said yes. Even the digital said the words pregnant. There is zero way of mistaking that. I was pregnant this baby attached and then she just stopped growing for some reason. It’s not fair. Im still waiting on the dr to call me and that makes me mad too. Why do I get the results faster then the dr? I sent them an email and they still haven’t called. I called Karen. It was the literal worst. I hated every ring. I hated knowing I was going to be the one to give her the worst news. I hated crying and telling her the awful news neither of us expected or wanted. But I also couldn’t let some random nurse tell her either. Especially after all the positive tests. We were waiting for good news big numbers not this. I wish I could make it all better. I wish she would have kept growing. Online it says usually in chemical pregnancy’s it means something was wrong with the embryo as it was growing. I’m not sure if this is supposed to make anyone feel better or not. It doesn’t make me feel any better. This is all I have to say today. We are sad and we have broken hearts. Please pray for Karen and Rodger.

https://www.medicinenet.com/chemical_pregnancy/article.htm

I woke up yesterday and took another test and it was still negative. 😔 It was definitely sad sending that text to Karen that I still didn’t see anything. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I thought about going to church but I knew someone would ask me about a test and I would burst into tears. So I stayed home. Ricky mowed and I just did nothing. He convinced me to go to lunch. I didn’t want to go but I went. We ate at a new place and they played music there. I basically cried at the table. I got home and watered my plants out front. I was crying in the yard thinking/praying why would you let me have such peace and comfort day of transfer? I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get the positive test with Karen I just believed so much that this was our turn. I was heartbroken. Then I saw a little robin bird jumping in the yard and I remember thinking/God telling me. Rashel if I take care of this bird I will take care of you. I felt peaceful and comfort again. I was still frustrated though! 😂 God knows I’m difficult to say the least. I came in and tested again on a cheap test because all these tests get expensive and Ricky complains. He doesn’t see how important it is.

I stayed with the test the whole 10 mins this time so I could see if anything showed up. Because after 10 mins you are not supposed to trust them. They could be evaporated lines. It’s like a cruel trick. That’s what was happening to me last time and it was awful. 😭

At the 10 min mark I thought I could maybe barely see something so I took a picture and put it in a transfer group I’m in with other women who transferred the same week I did. They said they could see something also and they would believe it if it was in the 10 min time frame. So I went and showed Ricky he said he also could see it. My heart was so happy and I wanted to call Karen that very instant but I was SO SO fearful of giving her false hope. So Ricky said I should wait and take another one of my more expensive tests later tonight and if it came up then I should call her. Because then we had two tests showing it. I agreed that seemed smart.

So I waited a whole 2 hours and took another test. 😂 A first response early response. Now everyone knows these are not generally my favorite tests. I have gotten lines on my cheap Walmart ones far before I did on the Frer tests. I’ve done lots of research and these tests can detect levels as low 6 for hcg. Some of the tests will not pick up until 10 and even 25plus for hcg. My frer thankfully picked up quickly and there was zero doubt about there being a line! I was so excited and crying. I told Ricky to hurry upstairs because I was calling Karen! Ricky recorded our FaceTime call and I was a hot mess and crying but it was a beautiful beautiful moment. I wish I could express and explain the pure joy / happiness and thankfulness I felt. First response even has an app now where you take a picture of the test and they tell you if your pregnant and at first it wasn’t picking up but after the full 10 mins it finally did and that made me feel even better!!!

We still have so far to go and I know it’s so early but I’m holding on to this joy and I’m excited and praying this little girl is snuggled deep inside and ready to grow and thrive until she’s ready to meet her mommy and daddy. Since Karen gave me that necklace I hold it and touch it every day and I keep saying I have your heart. I’m holding it so tight. She is so loved and she is going to bring so much joy and happiness into this world I know it.

Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out and said prayers for this little girl and all of us. I am so grateful. Keep them coming. Now we just need the pregnancy tests to get darker and on Friday it’s beta blood day! They want to see a number over 100 I believe and then they will want to see it double every couple of days.

Looks like I got my birthday wish! All I wanted was to be pregnant. 🥰😍🥰

Also so far I feel totally normal other then my off and on headache and I’m super emotional.

As planned Karen came over for us to test this morning. We tested at like 8:30 ish…. So we were not quite 4 days past transfer. Sadly it was negative this morning. The good news is we still have time and we can keep praying!!! My blood test isn’t until the 10th and I still plan on being pregnant for my birthday! 😂

Emotionally it’s hard. I know Karen and I want this so so so much. I really deeply wanted her to see the two lines first. Like a normal first time mom would. I wanted her to tell me we are pregnant and have a beautiful experience together. Something we could enjoy and cherish forever. It’s hard because my brain had it all planed out and it was supposed to be magical. I know even if I call her or face time her it will still be just as exciting and special. I just hate that my master plan didn’t work the way I wanted it too.

If I’m being honest I really think I am pregnant. I have had a headache the last two days just a little off and on. (I seem to get headaches with girl pregnancy’s) Jennifer reminded me of that! 😂 I also felt a little dizzy a few times yesterday. Then last night I woke up at 2:00 am SUPER nauseated. I couldn’t fall back asleep for over an hour. But I also just keep trying to keep my emotions in check because these darn drugs can make you feel ALLLLLLL the symptoms…. It’s honestly so hard to tell what’s real vs drugs.

I am going to just keep praying and hoping we get a line soon. Thank you all for continued prayers for us both. I can only imagine how much harder this is for Karen.