Terrible news

Today was beta day. This week was going great I had a wonderful birthday. My tests we’re looking good I thought. I even had a positive test on the digital. The blood work came back as not pregnant. This means I had a chemical pregnancy. An early miscarriage. It’s the worst feeling. I’m being very raw and honest here. I’m super angry. I’m angry at God. I trusted his peace and comfort. The tests said yes. They all said yes. Even the digital said the words pregnant. There is zero way of mistaking that. I was pregnant this baby attached and then she just stopped growing for some reason. It’s not fair. Im still waiting on the dr to call me and that makes me mad too. Why do I get the results faster then the dr? I sent them an email and they still haven’t called. I called Karen. It was the literal worst. I hated every ring. I hated knowing I was going to be the one to give her the worst news. I hated crying and telling her the awful news neither of us expected or wanted. But I also couldn’t let some random nurse tell her either. Especially after all the positive tests. We were waiting for good news big numbers not this. I wish I could make it all better. I wish she would have kept growing. Online it says usually in chemical pregnancy’s it means something was wrong with the embryo as it was growing. I’m not sure if this is supposed to make anyone feel better or not. It doesn’t make me feel any better. This is all I have to say today. We are sad and we have broken hearts. Please pray for Karen and Rodger.


Today is 6 days past 5 day transfer.

I woke up yesterday and took another test and it was still negative. 😔 It was definitely sad sending that text to Karen that I still didn’t see anything. I just wanted to lay in bed all day and do nothing. I thought about going to church but I knew someone would ask me about a test and I would burst into tears. So I stayed home. Ricky mowed and I just did nothing. He convinced me to go to lunch. I didn’t want to go but I went. We ate at a new place and they played music there. I basically cried at the table. I got home and watered my plants out front. I was crying in the yard thinking/praying why would you let me have such peace and comfort day of transfer? I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get the positive test with Karen I just believed so much that this was our turn. I was heartbroken. Then I saw a little robin bird jumping in the yard and I remember thinking/God telling me. Rashel if I take care of this bird I will take care of you. I felt peaceful and comfort again. I was still frustrated though! 😂 God knows I’m difficult to say the least. I came in and tested again on a cheap test because all these tests get expensive and Ricky complains. He doesn’t see how important it is.

I stayed with the test the whole 10 mins this time so I could see if anything showed up. Because after 10 mins you are not supposed to trust them. They could be evaporated lines. It’s like a cruel trick. That’s what was happening to me last time and it was awful. 😭

At the 10 min mark I thought I could maybe barely see something so I took a picture and put it in a transfer group I’m in with other women who transferred the same week I did. They said they could see something also and they would believe it if it was in the 10 min time frame. So I went and showed Ricky he said he also could see it. My heart was so happy and I wanted to call Karen that very instant but I was SO SO fearful of giving her false hope. So Ricky said I should wait and take another one of my more expensive tests later tonight and if it came up then I should call her. Because then we had two tests showing it. I agreed that seemed smart.

So I waited a whole 2 hours and took another test. 😂 A first response early response. Now everyone knows these are not generally my favorite tests. I have gotten lines on my cheap Walmart ones far before I did on the Frer tests. I’ve done lots of research and these tests can detect levels as low 6 for hcg. Some of the tests will not pick up until 10 and even 25plus for hcg. My frer thankfully picked up quickly and there was zero doubt about there being a line! I was so excited and crying. I told Ricky to hurry upstairs because I was calling Karen! Ricky recorded our FaceTime call and I was a hot mess and crying but it was a beautiful beautiful moment. I wish I could express and explain the pure joy / happiness and thankfulness I felt. First response even has an app now where you take a picture of the test and they tell you if your pregnant and at first it wasn’t picking up but after the full 10 mins it finally did and that made me feel even better!!!

We still have so far to go and I know it’s so early but I’m holding on to this joy and I’m excited and praying this little girl is snuggled deep inside and ready to grow and thrive until she’s ready to meet her mommy and daddy. Since Karen gave me that necklace I hold it and touch it every day and I keep saying I have your heart. I’m holding it so tight. She is so loved and she is going to bring so much joy and happiness into this world I know it.

Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out and said prayers for this little girl and all of us. I am so grateful. Keep them coming. Now we just need the pregnancy tests to get darker and on Friday it’s beta blood day! They want to see a number over 100 I believe and then they will want to see it double every couple of days.

Looks like I got my birthday wish! All I wanted was to be pregnant. 🥰😍🥰

Also so far I feel totally normal other then my off and on headache and I’m super emotional.

My first shadow test yesterday
It’s getting brighter
2 hours later on the frer
It’s definitely there!
The app even says so!
Todays test!
Hello beautiful 😍

Took the test.

As planned Karen came over for us to test this morning. We tested at like 8:30 ish…. So we were not quite 4 days past transfer. Sadly it was negative this morning. The good news is we still have time and we can keep praying!!! My blood test isn’t until the 10th and I still plan on being pregnant for my birthday! 😂

Emotionally it’s hard. I know Karen and I want this so so so much. I really deeply wanted her to see the two lines first. Like a normal first time mom would. I wanted her to tell me we are pregnant and have a beautiful experience together. Something we could enjoy and cherish forever. It’s hard because my brain had it all planed out and it was supposed to be magical. I know even if I call her or face time her it will still be just as exciting and special. I just hate that my master plan didn’t work the way I wanted it too.

If I’m being honest I really think I am pregnant. I have had a headache the last two days just a little off and on. (I seem to get headaches with girl pregnancy’s) Jennifer reminded me of that! 😂 I also felt a little dizzy a few times yesterday. Then last night I woke up at 2:00 am SUPER nauseated. I couldn’t fall back asleep for over an hour. But I also just keep trying to keep my emotions in check because these darn drugs can make you feel ALLLLLLL the symptoms…. It’s honestly so hard to tell what’s real vs drugs.

I am going to just keep praying and hoping we get a line soon. Thank you all for continued prayers for us both. I can only imagine how much harder this is for Karen.

I didn’t take after pictures because the blank sticks suck to see. 😔

3 day past 6 day transfer

I’m officially 3 days past the transfer at like 10 am today. I’m still in Chicago. I stayed in bed for two solid days. Day of transfer and the day after. Yesterday I ventured out and walked around. The weather was gorgeous low 70’s. I had some cramping the first day and a half I would say. Now nothing. It’s so hard knowing they put the embryo in and now you have to wait and over analyze every little thing. I have hours where I’m so at peace and confident that this time it’s the time. I feel like we had such a great transfer day. The embryo looked SO SO great and my lining was even thicker then last time. Plus the music gave me such comfort. It all seemed so meant to be. But then I also have too much time on my hands because I’m here alone 😂. That’s when my brain starts saying STOP you can’t be too excited Rashel. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Then I spiral into what if it fails again. What if I take test after test and they are all white again. I will once again have to feel all the emotions while on all these crazy medications. Then I pick myself back up and say no stay positive. I know I have done everything perfectly. Taken all the meds and all the appointments looked great. My body has done everything it’s supposed to so that this little girl should want to stay. It’s now up to her, God and science!

I did finish my book and have watched some tv. Today is my last day in Chicago I go home tomorrow morning. Today is a BIG day for Karen she has been working hard for this fundraising event to help the boys and girls club. They will all get to wear gorgeous gowns and drink and dance the night away. Hopefully they raise lots of money from the auction to help the club. I get to go do hair for everyone tonight before they go out! I’m excited for that.

We decided to take our test tomorrow morning before I leave for the airport. I didn’t want to test today and her be sad or disappointed for the event she worked so hard for. Plus hopefully tomorrow we can have a stronger line on the test anyway. I keep visualizing there being two lines. We want it so bad. I know even if a line doesn’t show up tomorrow we would have time for it to show up but it sure would be nice to see it earlier. I really want Karen to have such great news.

Karen also gave me one of the best gifts ever while I was here. She is seriously too kind and a wonderful gift giver. She gave me a copy of a special poem that has significant meaning to her and Rodger. They always tell each other they have each other’s hearts and carry them. So then she gave me a heart necklace to Symbolize that I get to carry their baby’s heart! You guys 😭😭😭😭 it was so so beautiful. The meaning behind it is so incredibly beautiful. I am so lucky to be trusted with peoples most precious of things. Their babies! That will never be lost on me. I just keep praying so hard that this little girl is strong! That she can find a perfect cozy spot inside of me so that she can live and grow! So I can hold and protect her tiny heart until she’s big enough and ready to go to her mommy and daddy! I will keep this necklace on forever. ❤️🥰❤️

For a funny story yesterday Ricky told me that the cardinals were actually here in Chicago playing! I had no idea. So I was with Molly and I teased him that Molly just said I could go with them! (They always get season tickets and he knows it) I will upload the screen shots from our text. Let’s just say Ricky wasn’t happy that he didn’t get to go. 😂 But then when I got back to the room I had a delivery! It was an edible arrangement. Now I felt extra bad for the trick because I still hadn’t told him I wasn’t actually going to the game. Turns out he went to his physical therapy appointment and told everyone there how excited he was for me that I was going to a cards cubs game at Wrigley Field. 😆

So I will update everyone tomorrow at some point about our first test. Please PLEASE be praying and sending all your good thoughts and emotions our way. We need them. here are the fun pictures so far.

First messages!
Second message and then he FaceTimed us! 😂
I just happened to have packed one cards shirt so I put it on to show him I was going! 😂
My delicious delivery
The poem. ❤️😭❤️
It’s so so pretty
It’s perfect!!!