This week has been hard but I wanted to be upfront and honest in my blog. I’ve always wanted to share the good and bad. This definitely feels bad. I hope through this others can better understand. I hope as women we can learn to lean on each other and build each other up. Share struggles and sadness. This is real life and people don’t want to talk about the hard things.

I still feel blessed to be able to try and help others. I have been able to help another woman/mom and that’s something I would want someone to do for me if the roles were reversed.

These have been my thoughts and emotions this week. Please know the actual blood beta test is tomorrow morning for the dr to make the official call. I’ll still be praying for a miracle but also want to be prepared either way.

I’m so hormonal and just crushed. I knew there was a chance for things to not work. I have seen it happen to plenty of others. I did everything just like I was supposed to. I took all my meds like I was told. I didn’t miss anything. All my ultrasound’s and blood work were fine. Why would the first three transfers work but not this one. The embryo looked good.

I swear I was getting faint positives like before and then it all stopped. I just like to sleep because then I don’t have to think about why things didn’t work. At this point I’m honestly just so ready for Monday to be here and over so the drs office can call me and tell me what to do next. Unless a miracle happens and we have a positive blood beta number.

I hate taking the butt shot every night. My butt has huge egg size lumps and is bruised. It’s frustrating to know taking these shots are supposed to help my body think it’s pregnant to help the baby. Obviously it didn’t work. It’s hard for me to understand this. I loved this little girl, I have prayed for this little girl.

I know God has a reason but I don’t understand or like it. Miss Jami my pastor’s wife came over and we prayed for this baby more. We prayed for peace and understanding during this difficult time for me and for the parents. I feel bad for Ricky because he’s tried to be here for me but no one really gets it. I just keep telling him I’m just sad I just don’t want to do anything. I’m easily irritated and angry. I take it out on him.

I cry in the shower and then I get out and cry more. I have prayed on my hands and knees and begged God to change things. I look at all the pregnancy tests I’ve taken and pray something will change and be there even when it hasn’t been. I believe this little life will be in heaven if she is not on earth. She will never have to feel sadness or feel hurt or see bad things. She is lucky in that way I suppose. As for me I’m still crushed and devastated for her parents it’s not fair.

It’s been so hard to be so open during all of this. I feel like I have let her parents down. I feel like my body failed and let us all down. Pregnancy is what my body is supposed to be good at. This is how I help others. Why did it not work this time. That’s whats so hard not really knowing why.

I truly hope this helps others not feel alone. I hope this will show that I put so much of myself into this process. My physical and emotional self is 100% in this. I also hope this shows people that think or have said things like oh you must get paid a lot or what easy money for you etc that it’s so much more then this. This is NOT easy money and this is hard, so hard in so many ways. Please keep praying for us all. I’m not sure what to expect next as I’ve obviously never had this part happen before. I will update as we know more and what happens from here. Thank you so much to my friends and family that have been reaching out and texting and calling and praying. It means so much to me. I’m also so thankful for my surrogate friends these girls are my safe place and I’m so thankful to have friends that truly understand all of what I’m thinking and feeling. Some of these women I have never even met in real life but I’m so glad to know them.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. As you all know I try to be very open and honest when I share about all of this. It’s definitely not always rainbows and sunshine. I have been so incredibly blessed to always have the transfers work and to get positive pregnancy tests. My first few tests were looking so very good and promising. Then as you know I started feeling like they were not so great. Yesterday all my tests were sad and disappointing. I didn’t see good lines or shadows at all really. It’s been so confusing because they are just not consistent.

If I never had any lines it would suck but I would know it just didn’t seem to work. This time I get some lines and then some with nothing. So I worry if it could be what’s considered a chemical where the baby will attach and start to grow but then it just stops. I’m not sure honestly what this one will be. That’s difficult for me. It’s so emotional to feel such excitement and then such sadness all in a 24 hour time frame. Obviously I am praying for this little girl that she can stay digging in deep and that she sticks around to make a big entrance into the world in 9ish months.

J has been so supportive during all this and I feel terrible that she’s talking me off the ledge all day long when I should be there for her! This is such a unique experience to go through with another woman. I obviously just don’t want to let them down. I know I have done everything I can. I have taken the meds and prepared my body to do the job. I had also gotten some first response early response tests so we tried them last night. Thankfully I could see a tiny shadow on it so that was a very nice glimmer of hope to my sad day.

Ricky doesn’t always understand why I feel so much pressure. He tries to be supportive but he also thinks I’m crazy. (I am) He checked the test last night as well and he said he could also see the shadow so I knew I wasn’t going crazy. We are still early and my official blood test is not until the 31st. I feel like God is constantly trying to teach me patience and I obviously have ZERO.

I also would like to add in no way is J putting pressure on me. She never has. This is all me and in my own head. She is always there to listen and encourage me. I’ve been so blessed to have two moms that have been there to help me as much as I try to help them! I wish I had better words to express the emotions we all feel when we go through this. It’s so hard to explain something that most people will never experience. It’s like an ultimate trust and bond with another woman, where only you know what each other are feeling. ❤️

I’ll also add our funny story because laughter makes me feel better. So when I took my First response test yesterday out of no where J says make sure it’s not expired. I was like well no way I just bought them. I unwrapped the box myself! So just to make her feel better I went to check the date. Wouldn’t you know that sucker expired in JUNE!!!! I was so mad. Who would think that they expire and that I would be the unlucky one to buy them! 😒 I just couldn’t believe she said that and then bam they were expired.

I guess they still worked a little though because I could see the shadows on them. I will try my best to keep you guys in the loop. Just please know that if I don’t post often or right away I may just need a day with my emotions. It’s hard and stressful but I want to be open and transparent with you all. The good and the bad. I’m so thankful for all my work girls who are there to support me and encourage me when I’m disappointed. They are also great at looking at my pee sticks with me 😂. I hope you all know how much it means to me. 😍

Also PS guys my Butt hurts so bad. I’m bruised and super lumpy. Rick was so grossed out the other night he said it felt like I had an egg in my butt 😆. I’ve been laying on my heated neck pillow to help it feel better each night after my shot.

Ok so yes I know I have a problem! It’s just so hard not to test every time I pee! So as you all saw this morning’s test was not ideal. I was pretty bummed about it. I know it’s still super early and we have time but we all know I have zero patience. God is always testing me on this and I HATE it! I just want strong dark pregnancy lines already. So I decided to not drink anything or pee from 7:45 till about 12:15 for an afternoon test!

I also decided to try a different brand since I had others. So basically at 12:15 I couldn’t hold it anymore and basically peed all over myself trying to get it on the stick. Gross but true. The good news is my plan seemed to work! I got a good but still faint line by the 3 minute mark. I even took it to work to let it dry some so I could still check it.

So as you can see it’s faint but there and like a million times better then this morning’s. So I decided tonight to take the same kind of test. Obviously I was having good luck with them. So I rushed home for meds and pregnancy tests. Tonight’s test was also a crappy one… 😫😞😫 I have basically decided that my dumb dinner decision last night had negatively impacted my HCG levels.

I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. So we ate pen station and I always get the super greasy salty delicious Italian sub! Plus fries! It’s so so good I could eat another right now. 🤤 Well because it’s so greasy and salty I drank a TON of water last night. I just couldn’t quench my thirst so then this morning my test sucked because I was too hydrated! So this afternoons test I hadn’t drank anything since the night before plus saved my pee! So it was a good test.

Then what did I do??? Well I ate my last half of my sandwich for lunch and drank at work…. So therefore tonight’s test wasn’t as great either. So I’m not drinking anything else all night. I’m going to try my best to save my pee until after my dentist appointment tomorrow morning for my next test. let’s see if this makes an actual difference.

I took another test last night and this morning and last nights I can see a faint line on this morning and this morning’s is still super faint. I drive myself crazy with these things! I just wish I would produce some strong HCG already 😂. As exciting as this all is I still don’t feel super confident or comfortable until that line gets nice and bright quickly and I don’t have to wait for it to dry!

Technically they could be what’s called evaporation lines. I’m not exactly sure what the odds of that would be happening to two tests in a row but we still think about it. Also some pregnancy’s are called chemicals where the baby attaches and you produce hcg but for some reason baby stops growing and it’s basically a super early miscarriage. These are just all fears that run through my head. I try to be positive and excited but I just want a brighter test already. It’s also still super early for testing most people wait for a total of 10 days before they take the first test. So that wouldn’t even be until tomorrow.

10 days meaning baby girl was 5 days when they put her in and then we wait 5 days after that to total 10. I really love this little girl and want her to be growing and getting extra cozy in there! Let’s all start praying my hcg picks up soon so we can have a definite positive. I’ll post some more pictures for you guys to go crazy with me over.

So last night I wanted to take a test but ultimately decided it wouldn’t do any good because it’s so early. So I said I would take one tonight! I almost caved last night and J talked me off the ledge. Then first thing this morning she said have you tested yet! 😂 she is a bad influence. I knew it would be negative because it hasn’t even been officially 3 days past transfer yet! But it’s still fun to try. So I tested. Here are a few pictures.

Also remember I only have 8 of my favorite tests! Now 7! I have looked at Walmart multiple times and the dollar store and cvs and Walgreens!!! All the dollar ones are gone!!! It’s so frustrating. Like everyone must be taking tests right now or they shut the pregnancy test plants down. 😂 So as the test dries I go back to look at it because the lines start to show better once they dry well. I know technically they say after like 5 mins they are invalid but I have never had it show positive and then not be real so I just re check. This was some pictures I took after about an hour.

So at this point I definitely feel like I can see something and I’m shocked and excited! J thinks she can see it too. Ricky on the other hand swears I’m crazy and he sees nothing. Ugggg 😞. We then had to leave for the store to get school supplies and so I could check for more tests because well I only have 7 left!!! No one has any!!!

So I’m frustrated and mad that I just can’t find the tests I want. We come back home and look what I see on the counter. I was so excited and instantly made Ricky admit that he finally could see it and that I wasn’t crazy after all! I FaceTimed J so she could see in real time also!!!! So now we are excited and a bit shocked that it showed up so fast. Now we just have to keep praying that baby decides to stay!

We have an official blood test on the 31st! I’m wondering if we let them know I’m already getting positive tests if they will move it up??? It’s worth a shot. Don’t worry everyone I will continue testing to make sure it gets darker and brighter. That will show us that my hcg levels are doubling and increasing as they should. So I’ll test again tonight and tomorrow morning. Let me know when you guys felt like you could see a line? Isn’t this exciting!!! Let’s keep praying for baby girl. 💗

So I said I would keep you guys posted on anything worth noting. So yesterday once we got back to the hotel after lunch we got to sit down and relax. I noticed some little cramping. This has always been a good sign previously! Today I slept in a bit and went to lunch. Once we came back I started noticing more cramps. Honestly if I were busy or didn’t know what to look for I wouldn’t even notice them.

Since I know what we just did yesterday I really try to feel everything going on in my body. I’m feeling pretty optimistic since I’m having the cramps and I’ve always noticed them before as well. Obviously I have to keep in mind all the drugs I’m on also. They make your body think it’s pregnant so it’s normal to have some symptoms. Although for myself personally I never seem to really have any pregnancy symptoms! That’s a good and bad thing. While I love not being sick like so many people are I also struggle with knowing things are progressing and going well until I can have another Appointment or start feeling movements.

So after our crazy last minute disney trip. (That’s was incredible by the way) We got up at 6 am to fly right back to Florida for this transfer! We landed yesterday and once we got food and checked into the room I took a nap. Today I went for my last blood draw and they called to say everything was a go for tomorrow! So tomorrow at 12:30 is our transfer. I’m so excited and nervous as always.

This is why they make me take a Xanax right before the transfer. Tonight we are going to go out for a nice dinner and then hopefully I’ll be able to sleep well tonight. The weather was pretty rainy here today in Florida but after being so tired from Disney it’s kind of nice to just rest in our room all day. We also have a beautiful balcony and view. This room is bigger then the ones we stayed at last time so I’m wondering if we got an upgrade. It’s even got a little stove top. Not that I’ll be using it though 😂.

The pio shots are already hurting pretty good now and I’m getting a couple lumps. It’s so odd sometimes Ricky stabs me and it’s great very little to no pain and then sometimes its awful the whole time! I almost feel like he plans it. 😆

Also funny story the 3 girls that rode with us in the airport shuttle also came to Tampa then they were also in the Tampa shuttle with us. I thought it was funny and started small talk because well I’ll talk to anyone. They asked what we were doing in Tampa and I told them I’m getting pregnant this week!!! Ricky was so embarrassed and said the way I said it made it sound like we came to Tampa to just have lots of sex! 😂 😂😂😂 You guys I was dying laughing. I guess it maybe could have sounded like that! They definitely didn’t ask any more questions 😳. Anyway I’ll update tomorrow after transfer! I got super cute leggings for us to wear for tomorrow for some extra good luck. Please keep us in your prayers thanks for all my support.