Well it’s technically still Sunday night but I can’t sleep. I’m so nervous for tomorrow. This weekend went faster then I thought it would have but it was still not fun. I’m just grumpy that our number was 44. I just felt like it was going to be better then that. I also just know too much. I know lower numbers statistically don’t have good results. I know there are exceptions and you all have no idea how much I want us to be an exemption. I want this to be an inspiring story we can tell others that sometimes low numbers are fine and that you don’t have to necessarily worry. I just also want to be cautious and protect my heart. I feel like emotionally I’ve just been beat up if that makes sense? The highs are so exciting and high but man the lows are just so so low. I’m surprised I haven’t even cried since the nurse called me. I’m not sure why. I’m definitely sad but I also feel like I’m so sick of crying about something we have zero control over. I hate that we just have to put all our trust and faith into everyone and everything else. Karen and Rodger are so deserving and it’s so hard to not seem to have an answer on why this hasn’t worked so far. We have done everything right. All the tests, meds, acupuncture and superstitions too! I just want tomorrow to be such a shock and surprise for us all. I want to be able to cry tears of joy. I want Karen and Rodger to be able to be happy and excited for great doubling numbers.
All I can do is pray and hope for great news tomorrow. I’ll post the beta numbers once I can. I will be at work too so that’s going to hopefully help my day go faster and hopefully keep my mind busy regardless of the news.
Beta came in early today. I’m glad because I’m so swamped today at work. Ricky opened it because honestly I was just so scared. You guys the number was HUGE! it went from 44 to 217! I called Karen immediately from the floor and I just ugly cried. I’m still waiting for the drs office to call us but this is very good reassuring news! Thank you to everyone who called, texted, prayed, sent good vibes and wishes I appreciate each and every one of you!!! Today is a good good day. I can’t even believe it.
So it’s been a long hard 10 days since transferring. Remember this time Karen and I decided we wouldn’t test together before I left. As cool as it would be to have a positive test together it just wasn’t working in our favor the last two times and I couldn’t stomach the disappointment again. Once I got home I knew it was going to be hard to not test but I really didn’t want to fall into the pee stick trap where I was peeing 3 times a day and over analyzing each and every line or lack there of.
I had asked Karen when she thought we should test or if she didn’t want to know at all until beta day. She thought Tuesday seemed good because it was 7 days after transferring. I didn’t hold out as long as I wanted because I kept having weird feelings. The random nausea and occasionally I got dizzy. Of course this all could be because of the drugs but I was on the same drugs and same doses each time and I wasn’t nauseous the last two times. So weird. Ricky was a firm no on me testing. The poor guy has to watch me emotionally beat myself up each time it doesn’t work. So he wanted me to just wait for beta day.
I had to get the kids birthday cards so when I was in Walgreens I just happened to walk by the pregnancy tests. 😆 Actually I hunted them down. I was very proud of myself though because I only bought enough for one single test a day! Once I got home I snuck into the bathroom and hid them. Well guess what I found when hiding them. A cheap Walmart test and a cheap strip test. I didn’t think I had any. So I caved and figured what’s that harm In getting rid of these. So I did them. The Walmart test was stark white. 😔 But I swore I could see a tiny something on the strip test. I couldn’t believe it but I just kept it hidden so Ricky wouldn’t see.
This was the strip test.
I was excited but still scared. I showed a handful of people and I was convinced to do a first response that evening to see if anything would pop up.
Here it was! So light but there.
So the next morning would start my once a day tests. I got up to pee and was a bit disappointed when the line was basically the same as the night before. I had to remind myself though that it was less then 12 hours difference and my HGC levels just wouldn’t jump that much over night!
Here is the first and second together.
Now I prayed so so hard the next morning that my test would be noticeably brighter. I needed to feel peace. I was so excited but worried what if it was another chemical/miscarriage. We felt so gutted after that I didn’t want to feel that way again. So I peed and I prayed and prayed for the whole 10 mins before I went to the bathroom to check the test. When I got in there I could see right away it was noticeably brighter!!!! I seriously burst into tears happy thankful tears. I just kept thanking God for this gift of a good bright test. I didn’t have to guess about it getting brighter it was clear to see. I cried in my bathroom floor for probably 10 mins. I was just so happy.
Just look how much brighter this was!
So that brings us to Tuesday. The day Karen wanted to test and know. I asked her Monday night what time she wanted me to call her and she said they had changed their minds and she just wasn’t ready. I totally understood. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. So I kept peeing just once a day and watched the lines. I was so excited that they were still there and much brighter then we had last time but I was still worried knowing really anything can happen and sadly there is nothing we can do to change that. On Thursday Karen texted and said she was finally ready to know. So I sent her all the pictures I had. That brings us up to date until now really. While we are so excited we are equally nervous because we know nothing is a guarantee.
From 4 all the way to 9dpt that was yesterday
I went for my blood work and now I’ll wait all the hours to see what it is. I’m 10 days past transfer and I’m hoping for a number of 100 or more. I think that would help me feel safer. I know some people can have lower numbers and everything still be fine. So I’m trying to not get to caught up in it all. Really the next number doubling is what actually matters! So I’m sure they will have me do another blood draw on Monday and we will wait, pray and hope for a great double time for the numbers.
Beta number is in.
44 is the number. It’s pretty low and not a great start. They said they would be cautiously optimistic. 😔 This is not the number I was hoping for. They did say they have seen numbers like this and they turned out to be successful pregnancy’s so I will wait for Monday to get here and test again. Let’s hope it goes up by then. Pray pray pray.
So it’s been a long hard 10 days since transferring. Remember this time Karen and I decided we wouldn’t test together before I left. As cool as it would be to have a positive test together it just wasn’t working in our favor the last two times and I couldn’t stomach the disappointment again. Once I got home I knew it was going to be hard to not test but I really didn’t want to fall into the pee stick trap where I was peeing 3 times a day and over analyzing each and every line or lack there of.
I had asked Karen when she thought we should test or if she didn’t want to know at all until beta day. She thought Tuesday seemed good because it was 7 days after transferring. I didn’t hold out as long as I wanted because I kept having weird feelings. The random nausea and occasionally I got dizzy. Of course this all could be because of the drugs but I was on the same drugs and same doses each time and I wasn’t nauseous the last two times. So weird. Ricky was a firm no on me testing. The poor guy has to watch me emotionally beat myself up each time it doesn’t work. So he wanted me to just wait for beta day.
I had to get the kids birthday cards so when I was in Walgreens I just happened to walk by the pregnancy tests. 😆 Actually I hunted them down. I was very proud of myself though because I only bought enough for one single test a day! Once I got home I snuck into the bathroom and hid them. Well guess what I found when hiding them. A cheap Walmart test and a cheap strip test. I didn’t think I had any. So I caved and figured what’s that harm In getting rid of these. So I did them. The Walmart test was stark white. 😔 But I swore I could see a tiny something on the strip test. I couldn’t believe it but I just kept it hidden so Ricky wouldn’t see.
This was the strip test.
I was excited but still scared. I showed a handful of people and I was convinced to do a first response that evening to see if anything would pop up.
Here it was! So light but there.
So the next morning would start my once a day tests. I got up to pee and was a bit disappointed when the line was basically the same as the night before. I had to remind myself though that it was less then 12 hours difference and my HGC levels just wouldn’t jump that much over night!
Here is the first and second together.
Now I prayed so so hard the next morning that my test would be noticeably brighter. I needed to feel peace. I was so excited but worried what if it was another chemical/miscarriage. We felt so gutted after that I didn’t want to feel that way again. So I peed and I prayed and prayed for the whole 10 mins before I went to the bathroom to check the test. When I got in there I could see right away it was noticeably brighter!!!! I seriously burst into tears happy thankful tears. I just kept thanking God for this gift of a good bright test. I didn’t have to guess about it getting brighter it was clear to see. I cried in my bathroom floor for probably 10 mins. I was just so happy.
Just look how much brighter this was!
So that brings us to Tuesday. The day Karen wanted to test and know. I asked her Monday night what time she wanted me to call her and she said they had changed their minds and she just wasn’t ready. I totally understood. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. So I kept peeing just once a day and watched the lines. I was so excited that they were still there and much brighter then we had last time but I was still worried knowing really anything can happen and sadly there is nothing we can do to change that. On Thursday Karen texted and said she was finally ready to know. So I sent her all the pictures I had. That brings us up to date until now really. While we are so excited we are equally nervous because we know nothing is a guarantee.
From 4 all the way to 9dpt that was yesterday
I went for my blood work and now I’ll wait all the hours to see what it is. I’m 10 days past transfer and I’m hoping for a number of 100 or more. I think that would help me feel safer. I know some people can have lower numbers and everything still be fine. So I’m trying to not get to caught up in it all. Really the next number doubling is what actually matters! So I’m sure they will have me do another blood draw on Monday and we will wait, pray and hope for a great double time for the numbers.
Beta number is in.
44 is the number. It’s pretty low and not a great start. They said they would be cautiously optimistic. 😔 This is not the number I was hoping for. They did say they have seen numbers like this and they turned out to be successful pregnancy’s so I will wait for Monday to get here and test again. Let’s hope it goes up by then. Pray pray pray.
So today at 10:30 am I was 5 days past transfer. I’m still trying to remain calm and optimistic. I was still feeling pretty nauseous yesterday and had a headache but today that has seemed to go away. I won’t lie that worries me. While obviously I don’t want to feel sick or have a headache it was comforting to know that maybe it was all for a great reason. 😂
The kids had great birthdays and I’m glad I’m off tomorrow too! Happy Labor Day. I have just been lounging around the house and going out to eat with the kids for their birthday picks. Everett picked Applebees and Kailynn picked Sams southern. We also went to church today and I got to pray again for this sweet little girl. Oh how we want her to grow.
I wanted one more pool day before the end of the year but I’m not sure we will get it tomorrow. So we may take the kids fishing and get some ice cream. That seems like a great way to stay busy and who doesn’t love ice cream. Oh also today I got the house decorated for Halloween!!! I love decorating for Halloween and Christmas most! Well that’s my whole update keep praying for us please.
Today at around 10:30 we were officially 3 days past transfer. I am flying home today. I know what your all thinking did we test. We’ll be proud of me/us we didn’t! I just couldn’t do it for my mental health. Plus the kids birthdays are tomorrow and Sunday so I don’t want to be sad or ruin their special days. I think it will be good to keep me busy this weekend. Our official blood test is 9/9 so it’s not too far off.
I had a wonderful trip spending time with Karen and Rodger and their new puppy Clarence who is just too cute and really loved me! 😂 He also has razor sharp puppy teeth and isn’t afraid to use them. I took a nap every single day I was there. The transfer went great and the Dr said my lining was nice and thick just like they wanted. Karen and I had a good cry before we even left the house. As soon as Dr Kaplan came in he knew that we were both super nervous/anxious this time. He assured us everything was going to be great. We transferred a sweet hatching baby girl embryo.
We had lots of nice lunches and dinners and for me lots of naps! I joked that I was coming back for more naps because they have a great quiet napping house. I’ve been doing my big butt shots myself still. I definitely prefer doing them. I still can’t believe I let Ricky torture me for so long. Of course I am over analyzing all the little things I feel all day long. I have felt normal this whole time. So it’s hard. I wish we just knew already. I will say after my naps I noticed feeling like my body temperature was hot. Today Karen and I had a big long hug and off I went.
In the car I got super nauseous like really bad. I hadn’t eaten any breakfast and the roads are not great plus the meds I take… So it could totally be that but I’m hoping it’s pregnancy related. I got here and ate and felt better for a bit and honestly now I feel yuck again! It’s so weird to be excited to feel like crap. 😂 I can only hope and pray it’s baby and not all the meds that tell my body it’s pregnant.
Today is the day it’s 8:00 am. I slept ok at best last night. I kept waking up and peeing a lot and trying to not think and just fall back asleep. Yesterday I got here early and Karen and I spent the day together running errands and ate sushi for lunch. It was so good. I went to see the girls (Ellie and Grace) they wanted haircuts. 🥰 So they got them. Then I did acupuncture yesterday evening before dinner. It was great. She did a couple spots that I hadn’t had done before. It was great. We had a lovely dinner with drinks and off to bed we went. I’m trying my best to feel great and optimistic but also not get my hopes too far up. It’s a weird balance. I’m still tired now but I know I’ll have time to sleep this afternoon. I prayed during acupuncture and last night that God is picking the perfect little baby embryo for us. That she will be the one and that Dr Kaplan will put her just where she needs to be in my body and that my body is just fluffy enough for her to snuggle right in and grow grow grow.
I seriously had the weirdest dreams last night just over and over one to the next. Probably part of why I couldn’t sleep good. 😆 Today I will get ready and we will be at FCI at 10:15 for transfer. I still have zero pregnancy tests. I’m so proud of myself for not buying any. I just don’t know if I can emotionally do it this time. The fear of it being blank and white or just not dark enough is so scary to me and I just can’t take that part right now. So if anyone sees me in a store and I have one in my hands you come knock it out of there. 😆 I guess we will just see how this part goes.
The plan for today is put baby in. Come back and rest/ watch comedians then do acupuncture again. The laughing is supposed to help do something good. I’m staying here and resting until Friday then it’s back home. That’s when I know the testing stuff will be hard because I won’t be as busy and I’ll have too much time to think.
As always thank you all for the prayers and support they really do mean more to me then you know.
Ok today was our last ultrasound and blood work before transferring on the 30th! So just 7 days away. I’m happy to report everything looked good lining wise and we are just waiting for my blood work results to come back although I expect them to be fine also. My lining looked to be 14/15 in thickness this week so that’s good they want over a 8 I believe.
We had a great trip in Branson visiting our GG and the kids went back to school yesterday. I’m happy and sad. I love spending summers with the kids but I know they enjoy seeing friends and lord knows they need some structure and less snacks all day! 😂
Karen and I are both feeling excited and anxious. As to be expected I suppose. I still don’t know if I will test this time. My heart and brain are saying no right now at least. I haven’t even bought any tests this time. Usually by now I would have already had a stack ready to go. I’m still hurt by the fact that last time we were pregnant and then suddenly it all just went away. Talk about cruel. We all had the rug ripped from under us. It was just so sad.
I’ve still been doing my acupuncture twice a week and today’s session was my most relaxing yet! I honestly think I fell asleep a bit. I definitely didn’t think I would be able to relax that much knowing I had needles poking out of me. I told Heather my acupuncturist that these were the last two she would see me for and that now all the pressure is on her for our success! Haha She’s so sweet and said she would take all the pressure so I didn’t have it.
Karen already has appointments for me set up when I am in town for the acupuncture the day before and day of transfer. I’m happy to feel like we are doing everything we can to help this little embryo along. We will be transferring another girl this time. I’m praying my body is exactly what she needs and I can provide a soft, fluffy, cozy little home for her until she’s big enough to go live in her home with her mommy and daddy.
Today before I took Everett to school he was asking me if this would be the last baby I would have. I told him I think so as long as the baby sticks in my belly. He said mom you sure have had a lot of babies! I said I know but I really love to be pregnant and have babies. I asked him what he would have thought if I would have wanted that manny babies for our own family and we had to keep them all. He said well I think that’s too many babies for us. Lol he then said if I did have that many to keep he just wanted 4 boys and 4 girls so it could be even. Kids are just so fun.
Well now I’ll just wait for the all clear from Carrie at FCI in chicago. Once she says we are all good I’ll wean off my Lupron this week and I will be doing the big butt shots later this week and all the pills I have to take. Then I’ll fly out Monday and do the transfer on Tuesday. Remember the new motto!
Yesterday was ultrasound day. These are the ones we do to check my progress to make sure the meds are doing everything they are supposed to so that my body is perfect for transferring the baby. I’ve been on the Lupron this whole time. These are the little belly shots I do everyday. They put my body into menopause essentially. This way they can make sure I don’t ovulate. I get super annoyed and angry very easily. (Even more than usual) 😆
I am now on estrogen pills too. I take 8 a day 4 in the morning and 4 at night. These thicken my uterine lining. They want me to be nice and fluffy for the little embryo! So yesterday’s appointment was to check and see how my lining was looking. I am at a 12! Woohoo that’s great. They just like you to be over an 8 for transfer so I’m already an overachiever. I have two more weeks before transferring so I will get even thicker. Emotionally I’ve been feeling ok. My estrogen is pretty high with all these extra pills so I can cry over just about anything and that’s definitely not my norm. I’m excited to see Karen, Rodger and the pups in a couple weeks. I’m excited and anxious about this transfer. I know it will feel that much sweeter once we actually get pregnant though.
Here at home Kailynn is starting middle school this year and she’s so nervous and excited. She goes on Monday. I always hate how fast summers seem to go by. I love our pool days and getting to sleep in and stay up late. Everett is all ready for 4th grade. We sent Bo off to puppy boot camp (training) he will be back in about a week and a half and I’m so excited. I have missed my big fluffy puppy. Hopefully he will be better mannered and excited to come home. I’ll get to see him for about 2 days before I fly out to chicago.
Currently I am in a hotel in Branson mo. We are visiting our GG! We are just spending as much time with her as she wants us too. We have been doing some chores to help her around the house. I think we will try to get some fun in too. The kids love doing miniature golf here and honestly so do I! My next ultrasound is next Tuesday so I’ll update after that one also. As long as that one looks good they will clear me to come the next week for the transfer. My new motto is transfer three is meant to be! ❤️🤞❤️
Branson car ride Coffee outside of the hotel Puppy boot camp with a crazy friend 🥰What a handsome guy 😍So much estrogen! 😆
I’ve been on the Lupron but today was our first ultrasound and blood work. I got up got there. I was just expecting my usual when all the sudden she says oh well looks like you have a fibroid! I was shocked and didn’t know what to think. I immediately said well I bet this cycle is canceled. I have never had a fibroid as far as I know but I figured no way it was a good thing. My ultra sonographer was so sweet and did her best to talk me off my ledge. She explained that they are very common and that it was actually super tiny and not at all in the way of my lining. It was nice but I definitely was still upset. I even told her I probably wouldn’t see her next week. 😔
As soon as I got to the car I called Karen. I explained what they say and that the ultra sonographer was not worried but I really was. I was super upset because they made me be put under for the HSC procedure to check for any polyps scar tissue etc. this was literally 30 days ago and they said everything was all good and clear. How the heck does this just happen? I was honestly heart broken. I just felt like my body was giving up on us. I called Ricky and he was nice and too calm about it all. I just wanted someone else to also feel horrible about the news and to be sad and angry with me but he wasn’t. He told me there was only room for one of us to be all worried and worked up. That’s true and I’m glad he didn’t also freak out with me. It really wouldn’t have done me any good.
I went straight to acupuncture and was in tears. Going twice a week I feel like we are all besties there now. 😂 The girls were so kind and I explained what the ultrasound showed and Heather just listened and put in my needles. I closed my eyes and just rested and prayed. I prayed it would go away and that it wouldn’t be an issue for baby being able to implant. I prayed that we wouldn’t have to cancel it all and do more tests and procedures. I actually really did get to relax while I was there. I did feel more calm and at peace while I was laying there. I needed that because I was obnoxiously stressed and anxious at this point.
Once I was done I went to the car to come home and I decided to just call FCI and ask to talk to a nurse. Thankfully I was able to get through quickly and tell her what happened and ask her opinion. I knew she didn’t have the official report yet but I told her I just couldn’t wait all day waiting to hear if it was likely going to be bad news. So I told her everything I was told and waited for her to tell me what I just knew was the bad news coming our way. 😔
Much to my surprise she wasn’t surprised or shocked in the least. She said it was super common and that if didn’t sound like I should be worried at all. She said obviously she needed to see the report and have the DR go over it but that she didn’t expect it to be anything to worry about especially since we just did the HSC test. This was very reassuring for the time being. I called Karen and cried a bit because I was so relieved that my body was still ok and working hard for us.
I real take this so so seriously! It’s not lost on me how much trust these families have put into me. I just need to learn to not put so much pressure on myself. I know I can only do so much it’s just hard to remind myself of that. I had to wait a few more hours to wait for the other nurse to call me and really confirm all was ok. I let the doubts and anxiety slip back in. I always go to the worst case scenarios.
When she called I was of course with a client at work but she was so kind and let me answer. Thankfully they re confirmed all was still a go and that it was super super tiny and not of concern. I could have cried again. So in a few days now I will be adding in the estrogen to start bulking up and building my lining to a super thick and cozy home the new little embryo! I’m praying so hard that this little one is actually the one. The third times the charm!!!
I’m hoping at next week’s appointment my fibroid has just disappeared or that it at least stays small and doesn’t get in the way of anything. Thanks as usual to everyone for the thoughts and prayers during all this. It’s such a crazy roller coaster of emotions. I’ll update next week after our next appointment.
Today is the day I’ll start all the meds again. I feel excited and anxious if that makes sense. I’m excited to be moving forward and trying again but I’m anxious knowing the transfer could fail again. I’m going to remain positive and pray for the best we all want this so badly. I feel like it just has to work this time. We are doing everything we can. Acupuncture twice a week and it’s going well. It is definitely starting to become more relaxing. I actually look forward to it! I’m hopeful that this will help with the little embryo to help him or her dig in deep. The studies seem to show it’s very helpful so why not. I will do acupuncture twice a week up until transfer and then I will do it an hour before and after the transfer!
Then as usual it’s a waiting game. That’s the difficult part. It’s hard to not get my hopes up every time. I want to be cautious but it’s hard to not get excited and think about how great it will all be as long as everything works. I have had a few dreams here lately where Rodger and Karen are at our home and drs appointments and stuff. I’m hoping that’s God reassuring me that it will work and this third try is the one!
Other then that life has been good. Getting the kids ready for school and soaking up every bit of summer I can get. We haven’t been to the pool as much this year. I need to get a few more days in before school goes back. We are also going to see GG for an extended weekend. We are all excited to visit her and I’m sure do a couple fun things with the kids when we are there. She lives in Branson area so there is plenty to see and do with the kids. I’ll update more often now that I’ve started meds again and will be having all the ultrasounds. This time just has to be it. Third times the charm.
My Bump, Their Bun 