So it’s been a long hard 10 days since transferring. Remember this time Karen and I decided we wouldn’t test together before I left. As cool as it would be to have a positive test together it just wasn’t working in our favor the last two times and I couldn’t stomach the disappointment again. Once I got home I knew it was going to be hard to not test but I really didn’t want to fall into the pee stick trap where I was peeing 3 times a day and over analyzing each and every line or lack there of.

I had asked Karen when she thought we should test or if she didn’t want to know at all until beta day. She thought Tuesday seemed good because it was 7 days after transferring. I didn’t hold out as long as I wanted because I kept having weird feelings. The random nausea and occasionally I got dizzy. Of course this all could be because of the drugs but I was on the same drugs and same doses each time and I wasn’t nauseous the last two times. So weird. Ricky was a firm no on me testing. The poor guy has to watch me emotionally beat myself up each time it doesn’t work. So he wanted me to just wait for beta day.

I had to get the kids birthday cards so when I was in Walgreens I just happened to walk by the pregnancy tests. 😆 Actually I hunted them down. I was very proud of myself though because I only bought enough for one single test a day! Once I got home I snuck into the bathroom and hid them. Well guess what I found when hiding them. A cheap Walmart test and a cheap strip test. I didn’t think I had any. So I caved and figured what’s that harm In getting rid of these. So I did them. The Walmart test was stark white. 😔 But I swore I could see a tiny something on the strip test. I couldn’t believe it but I just kept it hidden so Ricky wouldn’t see.

I was excited but still scared. I showed a handful of people and I was convinced to do a first response that evening to see if anything would pop up.

So the next morning would start my once a day tests. I got up to pee and was a bit disappointed when the line was basically the same as the night before. I had to remind myself though that it was less then 12 hours difference and my HGC levels just wouldn’t jump that much over night!

Now I prayed so so hard the next morning that my test would be noticeably brighter. I needed to feel peace. I was so excited but worried what if it was another chemical/miscarriage. We felt so gutted after that I didn’t want to feel that way again. So I peed and I prayed and prayed for the whole 10 mins before I went to the bathroom to check the test. When I got in there I could see right away it was noticeably brighter!!!! I seriously burst into tears happy thankful tears. I just kept thanking God for this gift of a good bright test. I didn’t have to guess about it getting brighter it was clear to see. I cried in my bathroom floor for probably 10 mins. I was just so happy.

So that brings us to Tuesday. The day Karen wanted to test and know. I asked her Monday night what time she wanted me to call her and she said they had changed their minds and she just wasn’t ready. I totally understood. It’s such an emotional roller coaster. So I kept peeing just once a day and watched the lines. I was so excited that they were still there and much brighter then we had last time but I was still worried knowing really anything can happen and sadly there is nothing we can do to change that. On Thursday Karen texted and said she was finally ready to know. So I sent her all the pictures I had. That brings us up to date until now really. While we are so excited we are equally nervous because we know nothing is a guarantee.

I went for my blood work and now I’ll wait all the hours to see what it is. I’m 10 days past transfer and I’m hoping for a number of 100 or more. I think that would help me feel safer. I know some people can have lower numbers and everything still be fine. So I’m trying to not get to caught up in it all. Really the next number doubling is what actually matters! So I’m sure they will have me do another blood draw on Monday and we will wait, pray and hope for a great double time for the numbers.

Beta number is in.

44 is the number. It’s pretty low and not a great start. They said they would be cautiously optimistic. 😔 This is not the number I was hoping for. They did say they have seen numbers like this and they turned out to be successful pregnancy’s so I will wait for Monday to get here and test again. Let’s hope it goes up by then. Pray pray pray.